I went to bed early tonight just so that I wouldn’t have to feel anything. A few hours later, I had a nightmare.
In this nightmare, I was awakend by a horrible and loud thunderstorm. God knows that ever since I was a kid, thunderstorms have always been my only fear. In this nightmare, I laid in bed for a few moments thinking were could I go, who’s bed could I go into for comfort? Where could I go just to know that I’m safe in the time of a storm?
In this nightmare, while I was asking were I could run in the midst of the storm, I heard my parents in the background. They were at the front door of the house; right outside of it actually. They were both trying to bring the animals in for shelter because noone else in the neighborhood wanted to do it. They were ducks actually and I have no idea why they were ducks, but they were ducks that needed to be rescued in this horrible storm and my parents were the only ones willing to rescue them. While I was contomplating on running to their bed for comfort, they were outside saving ducks. That’s when a smile came across my face and I realized how great my parents are. As soon as my face reached a full smile thinking about how great they are, I woke up from my nightmare with the reality of living in my nightmare, that they are not alive and that I’m alone.
That’s when I realized that there will always be storms in my life and I will always wake up alone unless I do something about it.
That’s when I prayed. I prayed through my tears that God would send a companion for comfort, and that God would open my heart to the idea of it. I’ve always been an independant person since the loss of my parents. Sometimes it’s possible to be too independant that you don’t leave room for anyone else. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to say "yes" to the person that God brings into my life without judgment and without reservation. I don’t want to sleep through another storm or live through another storm and wake up alone realizing that I’m the only one there. Life’s too short not to love or to be loved by another person. Yes, God is there, but sometimes I want to feel his arms around me when I’m scared. I want to put my arms around someone else when they’re scared.
I also realized from this, that this storm was going on in my heart for quite some time. I didn’t feel it though until I was asleep because it was the only time that I could hear it. I would drown it out with extending my work hours, eating extra food, sleeping longer shifts, drinking a bigger glass, watching more movies, doing anything a little longer.
It’s good to stop and feel sometime. Then you know what’s really going on and what’s really missing from your life and what to pray about. And tonight, I thank God for the life of my parents and for them saving more than ducks but a son. And for God to bring love to my life. A companionship that would last longer than a night, for more of my days, for the rest of my life.