I hear the sirens go by and I realize that there is life outside of my own. Someone has it much worse than I do. I’ve lived in this big city full of 3 million people for over a year. It’s so ironic that in a city of this size a person can still feel so small and alone. Yes, I know God loves me, yes, I know there are people out there that care. But right now, my apartment is cold and there is noone here to help me stay warm.
I hear all the time that you will find someone when you’re not looking. I’m trying not to. I try not too but my heart is forever seeking, seeking for someone to help warm my dwelling. The Bible says, that "how can a man stay warm when he is alone and noone is there to help keep him warm?" I ask myself the same question. Especially in the last two days. I go in my room, in my one bedroom apartment. I see my clothes scattered everyone and my bed is never made. Why does it matter, I’m the only one that ever sees. I have to turn on my heater everynight; it’s so artificial. Everytime I turn it on, I imagine another body lying in my full-size bed. Where is he? Who is he? Why isn’t he here? God, if you say it is not good for man to be alone, then why am I alone? Why do I still need this heater tonight? How much longer do I have to wait? I don’t know if I can go another 28 years, sometimes I wonder about another day. I felt once what it was like to not be alone, and now it’s gone and my loneliness is back. It was so nice to be with someone that sincerely just liked being with me and I liked being with him. No alterior motives, just good company. "Is it better to have loved and to lost, or to have never have loved at all?" No saying that it was love, "is it better to have been known by someone for a day, or to have not been known at all? Is it better for someone to make you feel special for a day? Or to have never have felt special at all?" Now what?
So many questions, so many times asked. So many of them the same questions. I know I’m not alone. I know in my heart you are there, my friends are there, but they are not here. I’m 2,000 miles away from them. I came here thinking I would find another friend. True friends truly are hard to find. True love is even harder. I know I’m not alone. I just don’t want to feel alone anymore. I know there is a part of me that is never alone, but there is another part of me that is. Can you please take care of me? Can you please take care of this longing? A longing to be known by a few special people, maybe even just one. Is that asking so much? To be seen. To be truly seen. Not by what covers my heart and is on the outside, but what truly lies within. The good, the bad, my strengths, my weaknesses, my favorite color, my favorite smell, my favorite sight, my favorite facial expression, my favorite part of the day, my least favorite book, my least favorite fruit, my least favorite holiday and favorite of them all. Just to be known by someone that can physically look into my eyes and see me. God, you created people so that you wouldn’t be alone in that big sky. Can you send someone to keep me company in the big city? You wrote a book so that people could know you, I try to find someone to listen for awhile so they can get to know me. I just as much love to listen. I think the greatest blessing in life is to know, and to be known. I think I’m decently traveled, and decently experienced with many different things in life and these things bring knowledge. Out of everything I’ve ever done or ever accomplished, just being with someone that truly wants to get to know you and simply spend quality time with you, is the best experience of them all. You can meet a million people a day and ask them how they are doing. It will only scratch the surface. But to take days and weeks and years to invest in a few people, is precious. This is when you are really known, and you know someone. You have taken the time to dig roots and build something meaningful. What I want to happen when I’m gone, is for someone or a handful of people to be able to describe me without stopping or hesitation. It doesn’t have to be how great or accomplished I was, but simply, what was my favorite pair of blue jeans that I wore? How often did I cut my hair? How many times a month did I wash the sheets on my bed? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of running through life like a "chicken with my head cut off." We stay so busy with business that we don’t invest in anything that really trully matters. I’ve invested most of my life trying to find the meaning of life, trying to experience as much as I possibly can. Trying to find happiness and peace. You go around the world, and you truly find that the answer is and was always right there in front of you. I have a sister that has been married for almost five years. I make fun of her on a daily basis. She’ll ask me, what’s new with you? I always have a story to tell her. I feel like a boring dead beet if I don’t. I ask her, and she’ll say, "nothing." She might be watching t.v., doing her daughter’s hair, or fixing dinner. She is the most predictable person. After all of these years, I think she is the one that is right. Her husband knows everything about her. Her kids know what makes her made. She knows what makes her daughters cry. She knows when they have had a bad day. They know when she has had a good day. Keyword, "know." I know how to do my job. I know how to admit a student. I know how to talk to people when they are sad. I know how to turn a back-flip. I know the different freeways in San Diego California. But I don’t know the smile on my neices face when she won an award for perfect attendance. I don’t know what they want to be when they grow up as of today. I missed out on ten years of their life because I was trying to find the meaning of life. They are the meaning of life. Investing time in someone that you care about is the meaning of life. I know people that spend their lives searching for answers…who am I…what am I going to be….who is God….why am I gay….why am I this tall…why do I look like this….why do I feel like this. I’m speaking of myself. I spent 28 years searching for all of these answers. I’ll be honest, I feel as if I’ve found the answer to most. What it all came down to…is one simple word….."being." If I would have spent more time just "being," I would have spent the rest of my time with people that I cared about or wanted to get to know. The answers to my questions came when I was simply "being." Who am I? Me. Who is God, God. Why am I gay? Because I am. What am I this tall? Because I’m 5’11. Why do I look like this? Because I do. Why do I feel like this? Because I’m alive.
Why do we make things so complicated? That I don’t know. I think it’s because we are controlling and want to be god when that position is already filled. It’s so much easier just to let go and let God. He can do his job and we can spend the rest of our time doing ours…living (investing in relationships with one another). I remember a story… It’s about a little girl. She walks with a very large log and she is in the middle of it. She walks and walks and walks…and walks. She gets really tired. She removes both hands from the log to wipe the sweat from her brow and forehead. She continues to walk…and what do you know…the log continues to follow as well. Guess what, she let go of the log, but it was someone else holding the log the whole time carrying it for her. She just needed to let go. I wonder who this person could be?