Since I added new pictures…I decided I should add a new blog 🙂 VERY RANDOM
I was talking to one of my best friends today on the phone for three hours (we rarely talk). He was telling me that he was ok with life and doesn’t think that he’s going to be around for a long time. That he had already done so many things and that his life was complete. He’s around my age…there was something to be said about this.
San Diego has been a tough place. It’s been a hard year. It began with having to move three times within a three month time period just to find a home. I did get a job and a month into it, I got really sick. I couldn’t keep food or water down and the doctors didn’t know what it was. I was in and out of the hospital for three weeks for days at a time on I.V. I knew what it was…
I remember lying in the hospital thinking that I didn’t care if I lived or died. I had done all the things I wanted to do. Military, college, travel, live in Cali! Now what? I knew in my heart, that the reasons that the doctors couldn’t figure it out, is because it was a spiritual battle. Every since my parents died in 2000 and 2001, I had a hard time living or feeling alive. It was like being a walking zombie letting life happen, trying your hardest to make life happen, but deep down, feeling lost and empty. Everyday was a struggle to bring my heart back to life.
While lying in that bed, I knew God was giving me a choice…son…do you want to live…or do you want to die? He wasn’t talking about the physical or actions of life as much as he was talking about the deep down emotional aspect of it all. I was honest when I first told him, I’m not sure. I need to think about it.
I did think about it. I realized that it wasn’t about living at all…it was about finding something to live for. My parents may be dead, my past may be dead, but I’m not. So I made a list of the next chapter in life, the next set of accomplishments that I long to accomplish. I know that I want a career, I want 2 to 4 kids, I want a husband/partner, I want to do something little everyday in life and make a difference (it’s the little differences that we remember the most someone told me). This is no exageration, but the day I said yes to life, it wasn’t long til I was out of those hospital doors within a 48 hour time period. The doctors never figured out what it was, but I’ve been fine ever since.
Emotionally I have also been fine. Before that time, I had thought about giving up on life several times in many ways. I thought that it was normal. Now I know that it’s not. What is normal, is waking up each day with something to live for. The Bible says that "without a dream a man vanisheth." Everyone has to find something to hope for everyday. It does take time and prayer and to find it, but it’s there. That’s why we are still alive physically, to find life within us and life around us.
It’s been ten months now since I’ve been out of the hospital and since I’ve even thought of a negative thought about ending life. It’s been a long journey, lots of talking, praying, living, sufferring, and failing. I believe I accomplished the things that I did because I was running. When I reached my last accomplishment, I hit a brick wall. I had to stop and listen, take time to heal, to feel, to pray, and to find a vision (reason to live). I’m thankful for my past accomplishments, but my future accomplishments are going to be with me being a part of it, me being complete in it, me driving it, instead of it driving me.
The day after I got out of the hospital, my car was broke into. A couple of months later I was in a relationship that soon ended. I switched jobs, trying to go back to school, and may have to move again. But it’s different this time. You know there are seasons in life. Some are winters where you get cold but you find comfort in the snow. Some are fall where the old things that are a part of you are shed, to find new things that grew or where always there. Then of course summer… I moved to San Diego to always have summer in my life. Turns out, in life, there will always be season change. But it is worth it all in those moments when you have summer in your heart. It’s worth it to have bad days in a relationship for those good ones. It’s worth it to hurt sometimes to know that we’re alive and can feel at all. To appreciate joy when it comes. Sometimes we want to cry because it feels good to feel something we don’t know how to explain. Just to turn around later and laugh for no reason at all. No matter what day or time or season we are in…we are so blessed to simply be alive.
Many times I think of a story someone shared with me. A homeless person that wasn’t always homeless. A person who use to have it all and was very successful. A business man. He got involved heavily with drugs and lost it all. He said that when he had nothing, that’s when he was the happiest. He did the drugs in the first place, because he wasn’t happy. I’m not saying do drugs or become homeless, I’m saying there is more to life, and we already have it. I see homeless people on the streets daily, sometimes I think to myself now, I wonder if they are happier than I am? I pray to be happy and at peace with nothing, so that I can be thankful when I do have something.
At this point in my life, I am working on other things inside. I noticed, since my ex has moved out (who I still think is a good person and it’s just a part of life), that I can be happy right here, right now, with what I have, with who I am. I want to be independent to myself, to God, and open to friends, so that I can give that to someone someday. I want to be able to give someone the complete me instead of the broken pieces. There are sooo many things to learn everyday…always something to improve or explore in ourselves. I’ve also noticed I was becoming numb to myself. I was numbing myself more and more everyday one…thinking that I needed someone in the relationship sense to be happy (everyone needs friends) and two…having random sex to deaden the healthy desires inside. I think that lust is selfish. Addictions can be work, porn, drugs, alcohol, going to the gym too much, surfing the internet for too long, etc. I thought that having random sex was ok since it was excepted in society. I have a heart, I have feelings, I have a conscious, what do I accept? What do I not want to accept but is still true anyway? We know in our hearts when something is over done. We have a heart and a mind (conscious) for a reason. When you get addictions and temporary "quick fixes" out of the way, you are left with you. You are left with feeling things. Yes, you will have to feel pain and things that you don’t want to feel. But you have to feel those things to feel the goods things. And these good things will be real and not because of an artificial "high" on something that doesn’t exist. It will be life!