Forgiveness is for You–Not for Them. Don’t give them anything else.
I had to examine my heart tonight because I still have a speck of unforgiveness for someone because of something they’ve done and said. In the grand scheme of things, it was the smallest thing ever in comparison to what’s been done to other people. But it still happened and it was still hurtful.
I noticed that it was affecting my perspective with another person who now did the same thing, but also just as minor in the grand scheme of things. In my mind, they said something not very nice about me. I think to myself, “So what?” I’ve got other things to focus on.
But my heart says something different. It says that it fills good to be pissed at this person. It feels good to feel this anger because to feel anything is to feel alive, and anger is a very passionate emotion.
But then I was feeling this same anger towards someone else that said something hurtful but didn’t deserve the same amount of anger as the former. So what does this tell me?
It tells me that I need to forgive both of them no matter how big or how small. It tells me that it’s still an opportunity for me to grow from this, to allow love to be bigger and stronger than hate and evil. Forgiveness no matter what the size needed is not about the other person in anyway; it’s an opportunity for the victim to grow and for our hearts to grow twice the size of the hurt and pain that was caused.
My question was also how do you forgive someone when you really just want to yell at them or even pick up the phone and just tell them, “Hey, you hurt me. You may not realize it, but this is what you did or said…” It would be so much easier in so many ways and for so many reasons to turn to forgiveness after having “The last say.” Many of us don’t get this opportunity, and it’s ok. Again, it goes back to it’s not about them, it’s about an opportunity for growth on our part. Life is about growing and learning, right?
I need to realize that it’s not about the person. It’s about the situation. The situation happened to me. So that’s what I need to address and deal with–not the person. I need to ask myself, how can I love and how can I grow from this situation? What can I take from it? Again, and at the very least, I can practice forgiveness and have my heart grow twice in size just like what happened to the Grentch in Whoville at Christmas. Don’t wait for Cindy Lou to give you a give or whoever it was that hurt you to give you an “I’m sorry.” Give yourself the gift that you deserve with the gift of forgiveness and love. This really is the greatest gift and the greatest love of all.
I took a few quotes from some other resources as a reminder to choose love:
“Grudges and angry feelings can eventually overflow into your other relationships.”
“Forgiveness allows you to let go of pain and continue with a lighter heart.”
“When you forgive, you’re not saying what someone did was OK. You’re deciding to let go of the burden of stuck and unresolved emotions,” explains Kim Egel.
In reality, forgiveness simply means choosing to let go of your anger, hurt, and desire for vengeance.
From https://greatist.com/live/how-forgive-someone-who-will-never-say-sorry#science-and-forgiveness:
For a start, there’s more than one type of forgiveness. A 2019 study splits forgiveness off into decisional and emotional forgiveness.Trusted Source
Here’s the key difference:
Decisional forgiveness. Involves making an active decision to replace negative behaviors toward the person who’s wronged you with positive ones. For example, you decide to start sharing memes with them again. You may still resent them, though. But you’re trying to move past it.
Emotional forgiveness. The genuine replacement of negative feelings toward the person with positive ones, like love and empathy.
The study came to the conclusion that decisional forgiveness, or simply going through the physical motions of forgiveness, isn’t enough to have any cognitive benefits — it’s really about emotional forgiveness.
Forgiveness, really, is about having mastered self-control. If you’re able to forgive someone, you’ve been able to assert yourself over your feelings. That’s incredibly empowering. And science agrees.
How to forgive someone
It’s super brave to counter feelings of righteous fury with a get-out-of-jail-free card. But taking these steps could well serve as your first stage of the healing process.
- Peace into the present
Whether you realize it or not, if you hold on to resentment, you’re living in the past, where all of the hurt unfolded.
This small truth may just free you up a little. Being fully present in the “now” means that the past and future, over which you have very little real control, are less relevant. That realization has power.
And right now, you’re reading this. No one is making you feel bad — perhaps recent or even distant memories may be surfacing and playing havoc with your mood, but you are safe at this very second. And this one. And this one.
We ran through the seven parts of life you can really control. Focusing on those instead of worrying about the memories and theoretical scenarios you can’t. The role of this person’s actions will get smaller and smaller in your mind’s eye.
- Flip your focus from others to yourself
Instead of thinking of the person who has wronged you, it may be better to take ownership of your feelings and switch the focus to you. When we allow someone to upset us, we grant them tremendous power over our well-being.
Try to sit with your emotions without judging them. Center yourself, and say, “Yes, I feel angry/disappointed/screwed over… but I can choose to feel something better. I can feel/think about/focus on something else.”
Their actions matter less than your mental health moving forward. The good news is, your thoughts are your jurisdiction. They’re yours to do with as you please.
- Take responsibility for your feelings
Self-help author Wayne Dyer said, “By changing the way you choose to perceive the power that others have over you… you’ll see a bright new world of unlimited potential for yourself… you’ll know instantly how to forgive and let go of anything.”
This means that when we recognize that it’s us, and only us, that determines how we feel, we gain a superpower. We shed victimhood when we shed judgment and blame.
When we own how we feel, we can decide to feel good. And feeling resentful becomes a knowingly destructive choice.
- Own your part
In many of life’s ups and downs, we’re quick to jump to judgment without assuming any personal accountability. Let’s say your sister is always making digs at you.
Did you write her off as a moron the first time you met, so she only gets your sarcastic, icy side? If your boss is currently micromanaging you, is it because you dropped the ball the last couple of months because of your breakup (and you kinda know it)?
If someone else is solely responsible for your misery, you’d have to wait for that person to change before you can be happy. But what if you could take positive steps right now? Wouldn’t that feel like a relief?
Well, you can. And it probably will. So own the bits of the situation you can — make more of an effort to reach out to your sister, for example, or open up a dialogue with your boss about how to refocus.
- Stop looking to feel slighted
It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you’re the type of person who goes through life looking for slights to complain about.
Do you wait for a terrible driver to swear at, a colleague to snub for various reasons, or a big opportunity to fall through so that your feelings of the world being against you are vindicated?
When we lose our willingness to be a victim, we’re essentially asserting our power. We’re saying “I have control over how I’m going to feel. And today, I feel good.” There’s nothing more mighty than that.
And feeling power over yourself and the situations that head your way can be quite central to forgiving someone, according to research from 2010.Trusted Source
- Apply a loving lens
This allows us to be thankful for all of life’s (difficult!) lessons.
The Dalai Lama once said, “The enemy is a very good teacher.” Treat the people and actions that have hurt you as a lesson so that you can move on at lightning speed.
Are you upset because your S.O. does not treat you with enough respect? What does this teach you? Do you need to be less tolerant of people’s bad behavior? To be more assertive? To stop using self-punishing language in front of them?
When we see our life’s experiences through a loving, patient lens, we learn how to grow a lot quicker.
tl;dr
Finally, ask yourself: Would you rather forgive them or feel like sh*t?
Let’s be real for a second. If you don’t forgive, your only other option is not to. When has hating on someone ever made you feel good for extended periods? It doesn’t. And it never will.
Choosing not to forgive quickly uses up your limited daily energy and makes you feel powerless and bitter. Everybody meets people that hurt them. Your choice is what to do next.
Chi P, et al. (2019). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
Karremans JC, et al. (2010). Having the power to forgive: When the experience of power increases interpersonal forgiveness.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20693385/
Lichtenfeld S, et al. (2019). The influence of decisional and emotional forgiveness on attributions.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6603330/
Liu H, et al. (2020). Self-control modulates the behavioral response of interpersonal forgiveness.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7118213/
Toussaint TL, et al. (2012). Forgive to live: Forgiveness, health, and longevity.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21706213/